


Leaning to Heal

by BellamyStilinski



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Pain, Post-Canon, post 2x16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:41:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellamyStilinski/pseuds/BellamyStilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is running.  He doesn’t know why, but he’s running.  He feels like he’s trying to catch something. </p>
<p>It finally occurs to him when he hears himself yell, “Clarke!”  </p>
<p>He looks through the trees ahead of him, a long path winding into an abyss, and he can see her.  Blonde hair.  Dark clothes.  An all too familiar stance.</p>
<p>She seems to hear him.  She turns for only a moment before taking off away from him.  “Clarke!”  Why is she running away?  He yells again, “Clarke!”  He tries to say something else, maybe: <em>Where are you going?  Please stop running from me.  What are you doing?  Please come home.</em></p>
<p>But all that comes out is her name.  “Clarke!  Clarke!”  He can’t even utter a <em>please.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaning to Heal

He is running.  He doesn’t know why, but he’s running.  He feels like he’s trying to catch something.

It finally occurs to him when he hears himself yell, “Clarke!” 

He looks through the trees ahead of him, a long path winding into an abyss, and he can see her.  Blonde hair.  Dark clothes.  An all too familiar stance.

She seems to hear him.  She turns for only a moment before taking off away from him.  “Clarke!”  Why is she running away?  He yells again, “Clarke!”  He tries to say something else, maybe: _Where are you going?  Please stop running from me.  What are you doing?  Please come home._

But all that comes out is her name.  “Clarke!  Clarke!”  He can’t even utter a _please._

To his surprise, she stops suddenly and turns around to face him.  The look on her face is broken; more so than the day she left.  There are scratches and bruises and _pain._ Her blue eyes have less light in them than he had ever seen.  He didn’t know that was possible.  

Then he sees it.

A dark yellow, almost orange, fog comes creeping behind her.  He stops running even though he doesn’t want to.  He has to save her.  He always has to save her.  Why isn’t he saving her?

But then he sees the look on her face and he realizes that she already knows.  She wants this.  She is ready to die.  But she wouldn’t want the same for him.  And maybe this is why he doesn’t go after her. 

The fog engulfs her, the one he’d do anything for, his princess.  He watches as her beautiful skin begins to disintegrate.

“Cl-”

 

Bellamy’s eyes open in one fast movement.  His brown curls stick to his forehead.  His heart beats rapidly as he forces himself to sit up.  He can’t stop his body from shaking while he looks around the room. 

Clarke is nowhere to be found.  He scoffs at himself.  Why did he think she would be?

 

He still isn’t used to being able to shower and it feels nice for a moment.   It cleanses his thoughts.  For one second, he doesn’t have to remember Clarke Griffin or the events that lead up to her leaving.

And then something breaks inside him. 

The cool, rushing water on his head brings him back to that day.  It comes to him in gut-wrenching flashes.  Being tied up.  Hanging.  The sharp water piercing his body.  The chains.  His screams.  It was all too much.  He did it for her.  She needed him to.  He did his part.  “ _It’s worth the risk.”_

He turns the faucet until the water stops.

Once he is dressed and breathing steadily again, Bellamy walks outside.  The sun is making its way over the horizon in all its warm-colored glory as a cold breeze sweeps the area.  Bellamy shudders.  Winter is coming.

“Hey, Bell.  You’re up early.”  He hears his younger sister’s voice from behind him.  He turns around to see her stern, but tired face, her dark brown hair pulled into an intricate braid. 

“I could say the same to you, O.”  He’s sure there’s a reason why she’s awake.  He’s sure she’s told him at least once.  He doesn’t really remember anything these days.  And when he does, he has to be reminded three or four times before it really stays with him.

Octavia doesn’t chastise him for this; if she had told him, she doesn’t say so.  Instead she just looks at him, the soft face of the young girl he used to know coming through; her eyes show a tenderness that the previous months have taken away from her.  “More nightmares?”  Bellamy’s rigid mask falters at this as his gaze meets the ground.  He knows he doesn’t have to answer, so he doesn’t.  “You’re going to be okay, Bellamy.  We’re all going to be okay.”

As the morning finishes rolling in, more and more people begin to come outside.  His people.  He looks around at them; the people he saved.  The people _they_ saved.  He lets out a long, heavy sigh.  But then he hears it – a laugh.  And then he _sees_ it.  Monty and Miller are laughing, _really laughing._ Harper is eating a warm meal; she’s finally beginning to look healthy again.  Raven and Wick are having a light-heart conversation with Abby and Kane about their newest invention.  Even Jasper is outside.  This is the first time Bellamy can remember seeing Jasper for this long since he lost Maya.  Maybe, finally, he is healing. 

They are all healing.  And he realizes that Octavia was right; they are all going to be okay.  He did his job, as always.  He took care of them – Clarke’s final request as she walked away from him.

But who is taking care of him? 

And then he understands why _he_ isn’t healing.  He keeps expecting her to fix him, but she isn’t here.  She isn’t here and she isn’t coming back.  He remembers his nightmare and it all makes sense.  This was her choice, this is what she wanted.  This is what _she_ needs to heal.  She left him; he has to accept it and move on.

He has to learn to live without her by his side.  Its time he started taking care of himself.    

             

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is my first ever fic and I'm really nervous. I know it's not too good but I'm still proud of it. I'd like your thoughts. I can take criticism so please be honest. Come cry about The 100 and Bellarke with me on tumblr at Stilinskivich!


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